As any of us who’ve tried teaching basic reason to an animal or attempted to get the last train home on an obviously broken underground travel system know, frustration can be a real sod.

But nothing - nothing - you’ve ever done can come close to the level of frustration you’ll encounter in Frustration 2. It’s just like the Frustration game from a couple of weeks ago except, you know, more frustrating. We don’t want to spoil the reason why Frustration 2 is so difficult, so let’s just say that it takes the basis of the original and expands upon it until you’ll more or less cough your eyes out with, um, frustration.

Play Frustration 2 now

The Dark Knight was such a raging success that nobody really knew how Christopher Nolan would ever top it - so it looks like he’s decided not to.

It’s common knowledge that Christopher Nolan hasn’t signed on to direct Batman 3 yet, but now we’re starting to hear whispers that he’s probably never going to make Batman 3, probably because he wants to make loads more weird little films about David Bowie inventing electricity or something.

This rumour that Batman 3 will be directed by someone other than Christopher Nolan is actually quite worrying - not only because his work on The Dark Knight took intelligent popcorn hits to a dramatic new level, but also because he apparently wanted Cher to play Catwoman, and who wouldn’t want to see a big-haired pensioner wriggling around in a skin-tight latex leotard, right? Right? Hello? Anyone?

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Britney Spears sealed her comeback at the MTV VMAs last night, opening the show by powering out a breathtakingly choreographed medley of her biggest hits.

Which is obviously a massive lie. Everyone knew that Britney Spears was opening the MTV VMAs last night - the press release, endless media coverage, MTV VMA promo spots and commemorative ‘Hey, Did Anyone Mention That Britney Spears Is Opening The MTV VMAs This Year?’ noddyheads made sure about that - but nobody knew how she’d do it.

And the answer was simple - by walking onstage, reading about three mentioning that she was opening the MTV VMAs and then walking offstage again. And best of all, Britney Spears only messed up one word of it. Welcome back, Britney. You’re so much nicer when you’re robotically dull.

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Over the last twelve moths, thousands of albums have been released. The majority of them are crap, but still somehow seem to get airplay and a clump of fans.

The Mercury Music prize, however, aims to honour the best British album released over the last year - the one crafted so well that John Lennon is itching in his coffin to try and claim credit for it.

This prize isn’t like your typical Smash Hits or Brit nomination. It challenges your perception of music and doesn’t necessarily nominate the most popular bands. From dubstep to electronics, there is something that will hopefully please the music fan who looks a little deeper then the same ten bands featured in Q magazine. Hold on tight as we go in for a deeper look at this year’s nominations, with the rest to come tomorrow.

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Hey, good news if you enjoy watching workout DVDs fronted by staggeringly anonymous young women who look a bit Addams Familyish - Rachel Rice won Big Brother on Friday.

Oh, don’t try looking at us blankly like that. Rachel Rice! From Big Brother! You know, the one that wasn’t blind. Or an albino. Or ginger. Or gay. Or pretend-Italian. Or the pretend-Italian’s girlfriend. Or from Thailand. Or Somalia. Or Australia. Or a single mother. Or a Lynx model. Or fat and naked. You know, the one left over.

Rachel Rice’s Big Brother victory was a sharp reminder that sometimes nice girls do finish first. True, they’re forgotten about in seconds and their hopes of maximising on their brief moment in the spotlight are virtually nonexistent and you’ll never ever hear from them ever again, but, um, we’ve forgotten what our point was. And who won Big Brother, come to think of it.

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Fact: the whole world has seen Lindsay Lohan’s clodge, flaff, wazoo, spaceballs, flimbox, fudge-glands and arse at one point or another.

It’s just what Lindsay Lohan does. It’s part of the Lindsay Lohan holy trinity - rubbish films, substance abuse and epic, near-relentless nudity. We’ve got so used to seeing Lindsay Lohan naked over the last few years that we’ve become desensitised to it, just like we have with violence and women that we’ve somehow made cry.

And that’s why it’s so surprising to hear that Lindsay Lohan has turned down an offer of $700,000 to get naked for Playboy. Silly Playboy - if you want to see Lindsay Lohan in the nude, you don’t just ask her to get naked for you - you ask her to get naked for you because you’ll let her wear a Marilyn Monroe wig if she does. That’s just how it works.

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We’re confused - apparently David Duchovny isn’t addicted to sex, he’s addicted to abusing his man-baton in front of some flickering internet totty.

We’re confused because, as far as we can tell, that doesn’t make David Duchovny a sex addict at all. That just makes him a bloke. Hey David, are you in rehab for being a bloke? Are you going to come out of rehab with pigtails and a mangina? Are you? Huh? Huh, David? Huh?

Apparently not, because what we’re starting to hear now is that David Duchovny’s sex addiction isn’t just an addiction to beating himself silly in front of his computer, but an addiction to actually having sex with ladies. Real ladies who exist and aren’t even his wife. Allegedly. So we take it all back - David Duchovny really is as much of a pretend-victim bellend as we originally thought. Sorry David!

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A week of joy and misery.

Folded:

• Zack and Miri Make a Porno redband trailer (gear up to laugh at Kevin Smith’s latest)
• Vin Diesel returns for ‘Fast and Furious’ (God help our latent excitement)
• That Kylie sounds like she’s singing ‘I’ll be leaving you’ instead of ‘I believe in you’ during her song of the same name (amazing what two hours of staring zombie-faced at 4Music can teach you)
• Step Brothers (it’s hard not to chuckle when Will Ferrell is forced to lick white dog shit)
• Want to know why Babylon A.D. sucked so many balls? (here you go…)

Creased:

• Anne Hathaway stars in the dreadful looking Passengers (why d’yah do it, Anne? Why?)
• Ginger beer (who drinks this carbonated sandpaper? It makes your throat feel like you’ve just been sick)
• Mourn the passing of movie trailer voiceover king Don LaFontaine (see the man in action)
• 4Music (so, apart from Kylie, Dr Fox and some occasional Nelly, what are we really talking about here? Friday Night Project repeats, that’s what)
• Bad lips (still, she’ll be alright if she falls in the water)

Remember when you were young and your grandparents often dragged you away to show you something that you weren’t meant to see?

You know, like introducing you to a can of lager in the dusty shed and encouraging you to knock it back? Though sometimes they did just bore you to death about something they thought you’d be interested in.

What we’re poorly trying to get at is that some things are best discovered by other people. This is what happened to us with Modernaire. When we battled our way through the trendy crowd at a Tings Tings gig, they were the first band on. Support bands are either going to send people to the bar or keep you watching. Thankfully this lot kept our attention.

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If hecklerspray’s mother’s only chance at a decent pension was to write a tell-all book about raising us to adulthood, there’d probably be an entire chapter dedicated to the time an iguana latched onto our nethers during a Caribbean camping trip, and kept its jaw firmly locked all the way back to the mainland.

It got us in an outhouse. We should have brought a flashlight.

Also there’d be a chapter about how that reptile-hanger-onner had us tied up in Customs for a day and a half. If this book actually happens, don’t anybody read it. We’d simply die.

When Britney Spears gets a tell-all book penned by her mother, it doesn’t get to have any lizard encounters included unless its about dancing with them in those new fangled southern churches. What it does get, however, is vivid accounts of Brit-Brit drinking at 13, drugging at 15, and watching her virginity sail over the horizon on the guardrail of a decrepit family tree house.

The tree house bit is probably not an actual excerpt.

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Hey you! Do you want to watch an obese millionaire tell you a bunch of stuff you already know in an insultingly patronising way - for free?

You do? Then does Michael Moore have a treat for you! What with this being an election year, it’s Michael Moore’s duty to ram hectoring, boorish, borderline propagandaish political information down everyone’s throats until they literally fart tedium. Only this time, he’s going to do it for free.

Michael Moore has announced that his fans can watch his new movie Slacker Uprising for free on the internet. Provided they do it in a designated three-week window and live in North America, that is. If this doesn’t include you, don’t get upset - you can probably achieve the same effect by going up to a fat tramp and getting him to whine about the government for a couple of hours and then shout at a building through a megaphone.

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Judging by the ridiculous flurry of Batman 3 speculation lately, you’d be forgiven for thinking that every single human on Earth would a role in it.

But hold your horses, buster. Aaron Eckhart isn’t going to be in Batman 3. That might sound like common sense, seeing as how his character Two-Face stacked it to death off a building at the end of The Dark Knight, but apparently a handful of internet ninnies have decided that Two-Face didn’t die at all, and that both he and his silly voice will return for Batman 3.

And that’s why Aaron Eckhart has come forward to declare once and for all that Two-Face is definitely 100% dead. But don’t worry, disappointed Aaron Eckhart fans - he might not be returning for Batman 3, but copies of his 2007 Catherine Zeta Jones cookery-based romantic comedy No Reservations are still available to buy or rent on DVD. Yes, we thought that’d please you.

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