Ariana Grande Continues To Proves She’s The Worst

ughthisbitch

Ariana Grande is one of those celebrities that keeps proving to be a huge disappointment to me. I mean, I really liked Sam and Cat, and I think she’s very pretty with a great voice, so constantly hearing about how much of a  mega diva bitch she is, even to her fans, is pretty disheartening. Here I was thinking that Frankie was the most annoying Grande, but maybe not (no, he still is).

In one of my favourite films from the 90’s, Scream, Matthew Lillard and Skeet Ulrich’s characters say of Neve Campbell’s character’s mom: “That woman was a slut-bag whore who flashed her shit all over town like she was Sharon Stone or something…let’s face it, Sid, you’re mother was no Sharon Stone!” Replace “Sharon Stone” with Mariah Carey and that’s exactly how I feel about Ariana Grande. Bitch, you are NOT Mariah Carey.

The Most Beautiful Baby In The World Has Arrived

DEva Mendes Ryan Goslingid you find the air seemed a little sweeter this weekend?  Did the sun shine brighter, or the flowers seem prettier?  No, you were not feeling a flashback to that time in college you licked that LSD riddled stamp.  What caused the world to seem so much better was that the child of Mr. Perfect, Ryan Gosling, and that bitch Eva Mendes was born.

If you thought Brangelina gave birth to the celebrity messiah, you were seriously mistaken.  Brad lost his perfectness the minute he cheated on his wife with Angie.  Or maybe when he made Alexander? Ah, whatever.

Blossom Is Not an Ariana Grande Fan (But Who Is?)

Mayim BialikMan, if there is one thing I love, it is when celebrities decide to publicly trash talk each other.  But I get really giddy about it when it’s two random ass celebrities doing it.  Take Mayim Bialik throwing massive shade at Ariana Grande, for instance.  That pairing makes no damn sense, but it happened and I personally am thrilled for it.

Blossom versus Cat.  It’s just so bizarre that it’s perfect.  And all I can do is hope for more to come.

Kanye West Rushed to the Hospital for a Headache

crybabykanye

When normal people get headaches they usually pop a Tylenol or Ibuprofen and get on with their fucking day. However, as we have long established, Kanye West is not a normal fucking person, so when he got a headache while on tour in Australia, he got rushed to the hospital to get an emergency MRI.

I’d say I was surprised that Kanye West would get so dramatic over something so trivial, but I’m a really terrible liar, even via blog. Reports are saying that Kanye was having a headache and believed he was about to have a seizure and requested to be rushed to get an MRI. I used to also think I was about to have seizures, turns out I was just a paranoid asshole who suffered from anxiety. I feel like I can finally relate to Kanye…

Chris Brown’s Crew Takes “Poppin’ Bottles” Way Too Seriously

bitchgetreal

I will never fucking understand the appeal of Chris Brown. His music is only okay and he’s a fucking lunatic brat. It’s like if you mixed Mike Tyson with Justin Bieber and guess what? That is NOT a good fucking thing. Chris Brown is as good at staying out of trouble as Lindsay Lohan is at staying out of rehab (can’t believe I typed that blasphemy), so color me not shocked that he and his crew are once again in the news for causing shit.

According to the NY Daily News, Chris Brown’s sorry ass crew got into yet another bar fight (we know this isn’t their first), glass bottles were smashed and flung, and one man had to get rushed to the hospital because he got a flying piece of glass to the eye (no, it wasn’t Drake). Reporting on Chris Brown’s antics is like reporting on Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber getting back together again: these idiots never learn.

Is Katy Perry Taylor Swift’s Frenemy?

Taylor Swift Katy PerryNormally, the core of Taylor Swift drama has to do with guys, and which one Swift is “in love” with this week, or freakishly stalking.  But now, Taylor has switched it up and is having some girl centric issues.

In a new interview, Taylor talks about a famous celebrity that doubles as a real life Regina George, and it has everyone speculating on who it could be.  Except it’s getting pretty damn obvious who that person is, and her name rhymes with Daty Merry.

Shocker: A Kid From 1D Was Able to Steal Ed Sheeran’s Girl

hobbitlove

Ed Sheeran: Voice of an angel, face of a hobbit, but still somehow able to briefly bag mega babe, Ellie Goulding. In case you missed it, as it was so short lived, last year, Ed Sheeran and Ellie Goulding were momentarily a very talented couple. However, it quickly ended and people began to speculate that it was because she cheated on him with one his pals from teen dream super group, One Direction.

Now, when I first heard about this I thought “No way. No way would a woman cheat on a lovable little pudgy ginger like Ed with an insanely sexy teen from One Direction who makes even grown ass women like myself melt. Impossible.” In case things are getting lost in internet translation: I’m being sarcastic.

More Royal Babies Are Coming

Prince Willian Kate Middleton GeorgeIt seems like only yesterday 80% of all women and gay men here in the United States were decked out in their Sunday best at 4 am, obsessively watching Prince William marry Kate Middleton.  It was a real life royal wedding, and as a country where RuPaul is the closest thing to a queen we got, it was glorious.

Then last year, these two beautiful people made an adorable baby for us all to swoon after.  But a year has come and gone, and the excitement about the soon to be toddler has waned.  But thankfully for us, Prince William has spread his WASPy sperm again, and another royal baby is on the way.

Lea Michele’s Hooker Boyfriend is Officially a Kept Man

frenchingatsea

If my boyfriend, whom I loved very much, died of a heroin overdose, I feel like, just to play it safe, the next guy I dated would be a nice, simple, almost boring guy that came with little to no drama or concerns. However, Lea Michele is clearly nothing like me because, as we all know, less than a year after Cory Monteith’s fatal overdose, she began dating a former male prostitute named Matthew Paetz.

As Lea is the queen of great fucking decisions, a mere four months after she started dating Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo, she decided that it would be a great idea to move his ass out of his three and a half star motel in the Valley and into her Hollywood mansion. Matthew Paetz: Gold diggers and former tricks from around the world are bowing down to you.

Britney Spears is Bringing All the Sexy

bspurrrws

For those of you who doesn’t read my posts religiously and engage in my constant self-indulgence, I’ll let you know that less than a month ago I got married, which isn’t what this post is about. What it IS about is that in a cruel twist of fate, mere weeks after I got married the sex Goddess that is Britney Spears released a lingerie line, which means instead of looking like a fucking hobo in my $10 Victoria’s Secret knock-off wedding negligee, I could’ve looked like the refined beauty that is Britney Spears.

I accepted a long time ago that God hates me, but it’s become painfully obvious that he loves comeback queen B. Spears because her lingerie line (which I 100% believe she fully designed herself) is on point. Not since 2001 has Britney Spears presented me with a piece of clothing that I would wear, so this is exciting for me.