Hold onto your hats people, because all that's stopping the relationship between Eddie Murphy and Scary Spice Mel B from becoming a full-blown episode of Jeremy Kyle is the lack of a vile dot-eyed man in a nasty suit shouting "Liar!" at everyone.
All the other elements are there, but we'll come to that shortly. The point is that Eddie Murphy and Mel B – easily the most bewildering couple of the year – aren't engaged any more. And Eddie Murphy and Mel B aren't even seeing each other any more. But Mel B is still pregnant with what we assumed was Eddie Murphy's baby, which sort of annoys Eddie Murphy. In fact, it annoys Eddie Murphy so much that he chose an innocuous Dreamgirls-promoting appearance on Dutch TV to tell the world that he wants a DNA test to see if Mel B's baby is even his. Confusing? What did you expect?
Of all the former Spice Girls, Mel B used to be our favourite. Emma Bunton is too content with being the third-best dancer on a reality TV show to excite anyone, Victoria Beckham has her head so far up her branded-perfume, friends with the Cruises arse that she tops several Most Slappable league tables, and Geri Halliwell called her baby Bluebell Madonna, which speaks for itself. And then there's Sporty Spice, who nobody has even thought about for upwards of four years. But Mel B, she had it all – curly hair, a funny accent… what more could you ask for?
But then things started to all go a bit Jeremy Kyle for Mel B. Having successfully divorced Jimmy Gulzar – who claims she thought he was gay; Mel B incomprehensibly found love with Eddie Murphy – a man who was once arrested for soliciting a transsexual prostitute. The love between Mel B and Eddie Murphy was fast and hard and before they knew it both Eddie Murphy and Mel B had got matching tattoos of each other and then – before anyone could take stock of their aesthetic qualities – Eddie Murphy got Mel B pregnant. Possibly. We're still fairly sure that Mel B is pregnant, but Eddie Murphy isn't too sure that the baby is his. To prove his point, this is how Eddie Murphy recently responded to a Dutch TV presenter who asked him how the relationship was going:
"You're being presumptuous, because we're not together any more. And I don't know whose that child is until it comes out and has a blood test. You shouldn't jump to conclusions, sir."
Now film producer Tracey Edmunds says that she's been with Eddie Murphy for about a month and a half too, which confuses things even further. So what's supposed to be going on with Eddie Murphy and Mel B? Eddie Murphy's slaves aren't being much help, saying that:
"We do not comment on Mr Murphy's personal life."
So we will. Just as soon as we've worked out how to spell a really confused noise. We're going with "weuuuurrghhh?" for now, but any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
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Coqabxcp says
Thanks!,