Hey, good news for all you jobless, talentless, freeloading, seed spreading, fame whoring dads out there! You may have a chance to become father of the year. That’s right, you may be awarded such a title if you can claim at least one of the following qualifications:
1) The mother of your children likes to repeatedly declare she’s going to make a huge comeback in the world of pop music, y’all, only to repeatedly get even more drunk, more dishevelled, and more bad hair extensiony.
2) You don’t have to bribe bums on the street for a urine sample to pass the weekly court mandated drug tests to prove you’re not an unfit mother.
3) You’re Kevin Federline.
It’s lucky for Kevin Federline that he fits all three qualifications depressingly well, because that clinches him for the title of Father of the Year as granted by Details magazine.
Oh, Larry Birkhead was also at the top of the list, but we just don’t have the time to focus on him because we have to get our space blankets and water canisters together for the imminent coming of Armageddon.
Call us old fashioned, but we always thought our dad was a good dad because he bought us our first head gear to correct our crippling overbite and made pancakes for dinner when mom was gone and didn’t forget to pick us up from the mall too often, but we were way, way off. According to Details magazine, a good dad is Kevin Federline. Kevin Federline. Oh, we forgot to mention that Details magazine also gave him the number seven spot out of fifty of the most influential people under the age of fifty.
So, apparently, you can be Father of the Year by default if the mother of your children is such a monumental mess that she makes you look like a brilliantly good parent. Thus, applying the default method elsewhere we’d like to announce that the Movie of the Year is Pokemon 2007: Diamond & Pearl because Spiderman 3 and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer were so bad that it took several days after seeing them for us to step back from that ledge and remember why life is worth living.
The Details article did provide some justification for their choices of Kevin Federline and Larry Birkhead:
"Meet America's new parental role models. We all expected Kevin Federline and Larry Birkhead to crash and burn as fathers. Instead, by being more visible presences in their children's lives than many Hollywood A-listers, they emerged as unlikely candidates for Dad of Year…The New Dad, as represented by Kevin and Birkhead, is involved. He trucks the kids to the supermarket, decorates their bedrooms, and even lets them dictate the direction of his career.”
Which of Kevin Federline’s kids dictated his career with the whole PopoZao fiasco? We’re pretty sure it’s Sean Preston. And that, folks, is why you don’t let anyone un-potty trained dictate your career.
Want to see the entire Details magazine top ten list of who’s the most influential? Nether do we, but it's a space filler. We don’t know who a bunch of these are, or if some of these are even real people, because we’re mostly influenced by the Spice Girls comeback tour and Mr. Belvedere reruns:
1. Zac Efron, Shia LaBeouf, and the Disney Kids
2. The Surge
3. Mark Zuckerberg – Founder, Facebook.
4. The Bible Beaters – Age: Born Again Yesterday
5. The School Shooters – Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold.
6. The Subprime Sucker – Mortgage Defaulter.
7. The Good Fathers – Kevin Federline and Larry Birkhead.
8. Muqtada al-Sadr – Shiite Cleric.
9. The Other F-word – Age: Forever young
10. Howard Wolfson – Political Consultant for Hillary Clinton.
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