Friday’s Big Brother was a rollercoaster – specifically a new type of rollercoaster that goes on forever and is comprised of all lows and no highs.
If you missed it, here’s what happened – first, five new housemates were brought in to liven things up, including Karly‘s boyfriend. And then Karly was evicted about 30 seconds later. And then the new housemates were told they had to try and get two other housemates nominated or else they’d all be up for eviction. Or something. By that point Big Brother had been for for about seven hours and we were losing the will to live, frankly.
Anyway, let’s meet the new Big Brother housemates…
Kenneth – Kenneth is Karly’s boyfriend. But, more than that, Kenneth is also the sort of man who uses the word ‘playboy’ when asked for his official job description. This, is you needed it spelling out for you, makes Kenneth a cock. A total, punchable, self-satisfied Loadsamoney cock of the absolute highest order. Kenneth is the sort of person who has never watched pornography, but only because nobody has ever made a porno featuring one version of Kenneth giving another version of Kenneth a rimbob in horrifying close-up. Because that would be the only thing that ever got Kenneth off. Worse still, Kenneth seems to realise what a cock he is, and yet still goes out of his way to be even more cockish. We’re not fans.
Bea – You know PR girls who call themselves bohemian because they bought some beads from a department store once? That’s Bea. At least we think that’s Bea – her Big Brother intro tape showed her smacking a tambourine about and bragging about orgies, so maybe she is genuinely a bohemian. So which is it – is Bea one of those horrible barefoot arseholes who live in Kensington, or is she really the sort of dirty hippy who stinks of incense and bad fannies? One thing’s for sure – we bet her parents are loaded. Another thing’s for sure – Bea looks like she’s confused by the concept of ideas.
David – Now, your Big Brother intro tape is very important. You have to convey your entire personality in a matter of seconds, knowing that millions of people will be analysing it and judging everything you do. So in your Big Brother intro tape, you probably don’t want to stare directly at the camera and bellow “UP YER FLAPS!” like a bad northern comic trying to get a catchphrase to take off. Sadly, that’s exactly what David did in his Big Brother intro tape on Friday. He’s from Leeds. He’s gay. He’s flamboyant. He thinks he looks like a cross between Tom Cruise and Greg Rusedski. He doesn’t. He looks like Travis Bickle after a couple of years on pies and amyl nitrate and sadness.
Hira – Let’s get this straight, Hira is a pretty girl. Beautiful, even. She is very lovely to look at. And that’s just as well, because that’s just about all Hira has got going for her. She’s Pakistani, but speaks in a ludicrous American accent. She’s married to one of her relatives. In her own Big Brother intro tape she tearfully thanked God for everything, obviously confusing a Big Brother intro tape with an Oscars acceptance speech. Oh, and Hira looks as if she has the mental capacity of a pencil case, too – as she was briefed about her secret task in the diary room, Hira looked genuinely baffled by the instructions. By words, in fact. Hira looked like she was baffled by words.
Tom – So this is how knobbish the new Big Brother housemates are. They’re so knobbish that Tom – a braying, overpriviledged, horse-owning muscleman who can’t stop prodding at himself with an obvious sense of wonder that anything as perfect as him could ever be allowed to even exist – seems to be the least knobbish of the lot of them. And he really is a knob. We can’t stress that enough. Just thinking about him makes us want to crap blood. Ugh.
Later this week – more Big Brother eviction palaver.
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